13 Reasons Why A Punishment Of Your Husband Isn’t a Good Idea (2021)

8 min read

Below, you’ll discover 13 reasons why punishment isn’t the solution to improving the way your husband treats you.

In my role as a life coach, I help clients explore how to get the most from their personal relationships. 

That’s why I was keen to share this guide with you. 

So, let’s jump in. 

Punishment Of Your Husband
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13 Reasons Not To Punish Your Husband

I hope these reasons will stop you from resorting to punishment if you’re unhappy with your spouse. 

1. Punishment Does Not Equal Communication

There are many different ways that a wife could choose to punish her husband if she doesn’t like his behavior.

Some common examples include: 

  • avoiding your spouse;
  • not doing them favors;
  • the ‘silent treatment’;
  • witholding sex or physical affection;
  • sleeping on the sofa or making him sleep there.

The problem with all of these solutions is they don’t necessarily include any form of communication about what she wants or why she’s upset.

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The best way to resolve conflict in a marriage is to communicate and fix the problem together.

If you punish your husband without communicating why you’re annoyed and what you’d like him to do instead, he’s likely to be confused and angry.

Now, it feels as if you’re not teammates, but opponents competing against each other. So, your husband may often feel a need to push back. 

If you communicate properly and explain the problem together, you shouldn’t feel the need to punish your partner afterwards. 

Because, it’s more than possible for a husband and wife to solve most marital problems by talking them through. 

2. Punishment Can Make People Put Up Walls

If your husband is constantly being punished, he’s going to be less likely to open up to you about his feelings, because:

  • he doesn’t like you as much; 
  • he fears more punishment in the future.

So, solving your problems with punishment is likely to fuel further communication problems and make your life together even harder in future.   

3. Punishing Your Husband Rarely Helps You Regain Control Of The Marriage 

As humans, we long for certainty and control, especially in our relationships.  

So, when our spouse isn’t behaving in a way we like, it can scare us, as well as upset us.

Those who resort to punishing their spouse often do so in a desperate bid to regain control of the relationship. 

But when you punish your husband instead of communicating about your problem, you’ll usually become more disconnected. You’re essentially pushing him away – and he may do the same to you. 

So, the end result is you feel even less in control.

4. Punishment Excaberates Loneliness

A wife might choose to punish her husband because he doesn’t spend enoughy time with her, thinking that punishing him could help to solve her loneliness.

In reality, it will tend to drive her further away from him, making both spouses feel more isolated. 

5. Punishing Behavior Creates A Power Imbalance

A healthy relationship is one where both partners hold equal power. By trying to take something from your spouse to punish them, instead of talking an issue through like adults, you’re trying to assert additional power over them.

That’s a great way to make your relationship seem like a competition, rather than the two of you working towards the same goal.

Often, if your husband lets you have more power than him, you’re likely to lose respect for him. If you have less power, you’re going to hurt too. That’s why it’s best to make all relationship decisions as a team. 

6. Punishment Can Ruin Trust In Your Relationship

If you punish your partner repeatedly, this is going to leave a lasting impact on how he feels about you. Most likely, anger and resentment.

It can destroy the trust in the marriage, especially if he doesn’t think these punishments are fair or understand why you’re getting upset.

He could begin to lie, because of fear that the truth will get him punished. He may even wonder what you’re doing behind his back, since your behavior indicates you’re fed up with the marriage (and not trying to fix it).

Even if you get what you want from the relationship after you’ve punished your spouse, it’s still going to create an emotional divide that can be hard to overcome.

7. You’re Most Likely Going To Create A ‘Punishment Cycle’

Punishment Cycle
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If you punish your husband, he’ll usually respond by punishing you back. Most likely, he wants power back in the relationship, as well as revenge for you making him feel so bad.

Perhaps you punish him again. Then, he punishes you again, essentially creating a punishment cycle. That’s no way to run a happy relationship, is it?

To get out of the punishment cycle, one person has to break it by showing love and affection in spite of everything that’s happened between you.

You can pray that your husband has the spirit to do that. But, it’s a safer bet for you to step up and be the one who breaks down these walls with love.

When you start to treat your husband with unconditional love, you’ll surely encourage him to do the same.

It’s not a foolproof strategy, but it’s better than continuing to let the punishment cycle send your marriage into a tailspin.  

8. Positive Reinforcement Is Better Than Punishment

There have been so many studies on the impact of positive reinforcement versus punishing someone.

In almost every scenario tested, it has proven to be more effective to reinforce positive behavior. 

Whether you’re potty training a child, training a dolphin or teaching a dog to shake hands, it’s better to encourage and reward good behavior.

To an extent, it’s the same thing with ‘training’ your spouse.

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When you reward people for doing a good thing, they’re excited to continue with that behavior. 

When you punish them with the silent treatment, withholding sex or leaving them with no dinner to eat, most people will hold lasting resentment. You end up with an angry spouse who wants to punish you back. 

You might get compliance at that moment, but it’s absolutely not the best long-term solution to your relationship problems.

It’s far better to talk things through with your partner and incentivise them for improved behavior.

It’s the same with parenting or managing employees in a business. Give them the freedom to make their own decisions, then reward good behavior with money or other things. You’ll usually discover this is the best way to get what you want from another person.  

9. It’s Always Best To Act Out Of Love

Whatever energy you put out into the universe, the universe will send back to you.

Punishing your spouse is an act of frustration at best, or hatred at worst. In most cases, you can expect your spouse to eventually throw that energy back at you.

Rather than killing the love that remains in your marriage, try acting based on the love you still have for this person – and see what it does for your relationship. 

10. Punishment Destroys Sexual Polarity

Let’s assume you’re the feminine partner in your relationship and he’s the masculine partner. This sexual polarity is a big part of what attracted you to each other in the first place.

But, when you decide to punish your husband, the polarity in your marriage becomes so out of whack.

It’s inherently masculine behavior to dominate and overpower others. By adopting this punishing behavior, you’re becoming more masculine and it’s making him less attracted to you. Meanwhile, if your man submits to the punishment, he becomes more feminine, so you’ll probably be less attracted to him too.  

Sex tends to dwindle when you’re in a punishment cycle with your spouse, but it’s not just because you’re mad at each other. When sexual polarity is damaged, your levels of attraction for each other will drop too. 

11. There’s Often No Link Between The Punishment And The Crime

When there’s no link between what a husband does and how the wife punishes him, it can create more anger and resentment.

For example, let’s say your husband was late home from work on Monday, so you refuse to make him dinner on Tuesday. That’s a petty punishment that makes little sense, and will  probably create a longer cycle of anger and frustration.   

On the other hand, if your punishment resembles the natural consequences of what was done, that can be easier for him to swallow. 

For example, let’s say you tell your husband you don’t like spending time with him when he’s drunk. Then, he comes home drunk and you keep your distance for that reason. The ‘silent treatment’ resembles natural consequences of his behavior in this example – and is therefore less likely to cause deeper conflict. 

Note how you explained how you felt in the latter example. When a wife does this, it can help a husband understand why she responds in a particular way. 

12. Punishment Is A Short-Term Solution

Short-Term Solution
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A lot of psychologists testify that behavior changes resulting from punishment tend to be temporary.

In many cases, once the punishment has finished, the punitive behavior restarts. 

This could be for a number of reasons including:

  • continued resentment towards the punisher;
  • feelings that the punishment was unjustified;
  • confusion about why the punishment was applied at all.

As previously mentioned, you can erase this confusion, resentment and the need to punish anyone at all, by discussing the problem like adults. 

13. A Quick Note On Physical Abuse

A lot of domestic violence stems from an abuser’s desire to punish their partner.

There is no justifiable reason to physically abuse a lover or family member. You risk a criminal charge by applying any form of physical force on your partner. 

If you have been the victim of domestic violence, you should report the abuser to the police and end that relationship immediately.  

Some Final Thoughts On A Wife Punishing Their Husband

I wanted to add some important thoughts on punishing your spouse to close out the article.

Narcissistic Husband Punishment

It can be tough to deal with a narcissistic spouse, because this type of person tends to make their partner feel unimportant. For a narcissist, it’s all about how they feel. No matter the circumstances, no matter how hurt you feel, a narcissist will rarely admit to being guilty of wrongdoing. 

Being married to a narcissist can be a unique form of torture. Despite your best attempts to talk about their faults, it’ll usually feel like they’re not listening. 

With that said, we’ve explored the reasons not to punish your spouse and these still apply to a narcissist, perhaps even more so. Instead, search through these tips on how to talk to a narcissist to try and get through to them. 

Punishment For Abusive Husband

Rather than thinking of punishments for an abusive spouse, search for an escape route instead. No man or woman deserves to be in a marriage where their spouse is abusing them physically or emotionally.  

Funny Punishment For Husband

The idea of funny punishments for a husband who messed up might appeal to a wife with a certain type of humor.

Perhaps you’ve seen a wife punish their husband this way in a romantic comedy. It might seem like there’s nothing wrong with a light-hearted prank to get back at your spouse, but it’s unlikely to fix the problem that you’re upset about. 

What’s more, you shouldn’t be surprised if a funny punishment still upsets your partner and pushes them further away from you.

As humorous as your idea might be, it’ll usually do more damage than good. It’s better to talk things through like adults.

That same advice applies to pranks on family and friends as well.

Any More Questions About Punishing Your Spouse? 

I really can’t over-emphasise the importance of the main point I’m trying to make in this article: punishment rarely gets you what you want.   

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One final question to really hammer the point home: have you punished your friends, family or romantic partners before – and how did it work out for you? 

Most likely, you were inspired to search for this guide because you’ve already noticed that withholding sex, money or anything else doesn’t work. 

Hopefully, you can now see there are other ways of dealing with the problems that crop up in married life.

If you have a question on how to make your married life easier, whether you’re a man or a woman, feel free to write it in the comments form below. 

I’ll spend some time reviewing the comments – and will do my best to respond to all of them.

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