20 Real Reasons Why Your Wife Avoids Intimacy + Solutions (2021)

8 min read

If you’re wondering why your wife avoids intimacy, this is the article for you.

As an experienced life coach, I have been able to help plenty of married couples address this problem.

In many cases, the husband didn’t know why his wife was avoiding physical intimacy, and that caused the emotional intimacy in their relationship to plummet.

By reading this article, I hope you can avoid a similar scenario in your marriage. 

Let’s dive right into it.

Wife Avoids Intimacy
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Common Sexual Misunderstanding That Causes Conflict Within A Marriage 

A lot of men and women misunderstand the reasons why their partner would want to have sex.

Men need to have sex to feel truly relaxed and comfortable around their lover. When they’re horny, they’ll often experience this inner tension that it feels like can only be released by ejaculating.

Women need to feel truly comfortable and relaxed around their lover first. When they’re experiencing any form of inner tension, they’re unlikely to be in the mood for sex at all. 

Men: Sex first, comfortable and relaxed afterwards.

Women: Comfortable and relaxed first, sex afterwards.

Yes, this is a huge generalisation, which has been oversimplified so it’s easy for you to understand, but it needs to be understood.

So, what happens when married couples don’t understand this? 

The husband will typically push push push his wife for sex, not understanding the underlying reasons why she’s denying him. 

The wife tends to become frustrated with this constant pushing and her spouse’s inability to understand her, making her want sex less.  

In many cases, one denial could snowball into a sexless marriage. 

Let’s say the husband misinterprets the reasons why his wife doesn’t want sex. He thinks of the typical reasons why a man wouldn’t want sex; no physical attraction, he doesn’t like her, he’s sleeping with someone else, he’s playing mind games.

Of course, this is hurtful. So, the husband becomes resentful and stops treating the wife so nicely, nuking her sexual desire even further. It gets worse and worse until one of them breaks the pattern. 

Now, the reasons listed above could be why the wife was avoiding intimacy in the first place. But, in most cases, the reasons are far more subtle (and often easier to fix).

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20 Real Reasons Why Your Wife Avoids Intimacy

Below are some of the more common reasons why intimacy is dwindling within your marriage.

1. She Doesn’t Feel Loved By You 

Emotional intimacy is a necessary ingredient if you want a woman to feel relaxed, comfortable and aroused in your presence. If you’re not doing the little things to show you love and appreciate her throughout the day, she’ll feel less motivated to make love. 

2. Her Work Is Stressing Her Out

There are plenty of things outside her relationship that could be creating inner tension. Her job is one of the most common. A huge workload, long hours and pressure from her boss can all contribute to stress.

It’s your job as a spouse to help her relieve this stress at the end of the work day. If you can’t do it, don’t be surprised if she’s not interested in sex. 

3. She Is Exhausted By The Kids  

If you’re a parent, I don’t need to tell you that kids can be a cause of stress and exhaustion. As a man, you may want physical intimacy to get over the stress of parenting. But, remember, women need to feel relaxed and comfortable first. 

4. She Feels Rushed

If you’re busy with work, raising your children and running your household, you could now be trying to squeeze your sex life into a limited time window.

This may be no problem for you. As a man, it may not take much to activate your sexual desire. The problem is: women typically need much more time to reach arousal. A time limit will often make it hard for her to relax. In fact, it may well cause more stress.

5. She Feels Pressured

Pressuring her to have sex just because you want it is a horrible idea. This lack of empathy is usually going to turn her off more.  

6. The Sex Is Routine And Monotonous

Good sex is harder to resist, even if you’re tired or stressed. Monotonous unfulfilling sex is easier to turn down. 

Over time, it’s possible that your mind-blowing sex may have grown stale, in her mind anyway.  

It’s important to have an open dialogue about this within a marriage, and to be open to trying new things in the bedroom.  

7. The Emotional Connection Is Missing In The Bedroom

The physical pleasure that comes from sex means a lot less to women if there’s no emotional connection.

So, ask yourself: do make your wife feel treasured during sex. Is it love-making, or are you just using her body as a tool to get off?

Without the intimacy, there’s even less of a reason for women to make time in their busy lives for sex. 

8. You’re Not Catering To Her Sexual Needs

There’s every chance that your wife will occasionally want to use sex to de-stress, especially if you’re treating her nicely and can bring her to experience intense orgasms.

However, if you’re not doing either of these well, the chances of her wanting it decrease significantly.  

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9. Your Sexual Desires Might Make Her Uncomfortable 

Are you perhaps asking her to do things in the bedroom that she isn’t completely comfortable with? Rather than bringing this up, she might have opted to avoid sex altogether.

Perhaps she put up with it for a while, but has lost patience due to the other factors listed here. It’s a question worth asking, especially if you’re into some wild stuff in the bedroom. 

10. You Have Lost Her Trust

Trust is a key component that makes women feel comfortable and relaxed with her lover. If you’ve done something to break her trust, that might be why she’s avoiding intimacy.

If you suspect this could be a factor, you need to clear the air with her. Maybe she has reason to suspect that you’re cheating or hiding something else from her, but hasn’t said anything about it   

11. She Is Sad About Something Unrelated 

As a man, you may view sex as a way to get over your sadness. It doesn’t work this way with women.

It’s your job as her spouse to be that shoulder to cry on. Help her to release these negative emotions first, and who knows where that could lead. 

Don’t even think about pushing her for sex until you’ve done this. This lack of empathy would be a great way to show you don’t care about her feelings.  

12. She Has Become Self-Conscious Of Her Body

If a woman doesn’t feel sexy in her own skin, this directly impacts her ability to feel comfortable and relaxed with her lover.

As her partner and lover, you play a key role in making her feel like a sex goddess, no matter what has happened to her body over the years. 

Small compliments, kisses, ass squeezes throughout the day go a long way. 

13. She’s Struggling To Connect With Her Femininity

 

When you see a woman expressing herself joyfully, sharing her creativity, dressing glamorously, that’s her connecting with her feminine energy.

When she’s truly connected, she’s more attracted to the idea of sexual intimacy with her masculine partner. 

The problem is: life can sometimes get in the way of this.

If she’s always busy solving problems at work and at home, that’s her embracing her masculine side. She might not have time to express her femininity in the ways described above.  

This – combined with the stress of solving problems – destroys her sex drive. 

As the husband, it’s your job to help her unwind from a stressful day, show love and encourage that devine feminine energy back out of her.

14. She’s Struggling To See Your Masculinity 

When a husband stops asserting his masculine dominance in a relationship, the wife may take on the leadership role. She begins to boss him around, make decisions and ‘wear the pants’. Someone has to lead if anything is going to get done, after all.

Your emasculation causes a bigger disconnection from her femininity. At this point, the relationship has become depolarised, which is a huge turn-off for women. 

15. Hormonal Imbalances May Be Affecting Her Libido

Hormones play a key role for a man’s and a woman’s sex drive. These hormones could be affected by a new form of contraception, new medication or even changes in her diet and exercise.

It’s well known that a woman’s sex drive can naturally decrease as she ages, particularly when menopause arrives.

If your wife believes her loss of libido is linked to any of these, she should seek medical advice.  

16. A Traumatic Event  

A traumatic sexual event can destroy a woman’s ability to relax in an intimate setting with her lover – and thus cause her to avoid sex. 

Is it possible that past trauma has been retriggered by something that’s happened recently? 

17. An Unresolved Argument Is Festering Within Her 

Men may be able to forget an unresolved argument if it means getting some action. Unresolved arguments tend to fester within many women until they’re solved, draining their desire for intimacy.

Maybe it’s something she hadn’t told you about yet. This is why communication is so important in a marriage.  

18. She’s Feeling Guilty

If she’s done something that would destroy your trust if revealed, that’s going to harm her ability to feel comfortable and relaxed enough to have sex with you.

19. She Might Be Dealing With The Baby Blues

Post-partum depression is more common than you may think, and this has a huge impact on a woman’s sex drive.

Perhaps your wife is open to speaking to a therapist or a mental health professional about this?  

20. Other Underlying Medical Issues

If a man has a headache, he might want sex to get over it. If a woman has one, it’s a reason to avoid sex altogether.  

Remember, comfort is crucial for her to be in the mood. So, if she’s feeling any serious physical discomfort, she’ll usually avoid intimacy.  

Of course, you’ll want to speak to a doctor about finding a cure, not just for your sex life but for her overall health.  

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Any More Questions About Why Your Wife Avoids Intimacy?  

I hope this guide will help you identify why the sexual intimacy has dwindled within your marriage. The first step to fixing any issues with a spouse is to know what they are. 

The next step is to start an open conversation with your wife about what may make her more interested in resparking this part of your relationship.

The solution often lies in helping her feel relaxed, comfortable, sexy and feminine. Perhaps you think this will be hard, but if anyone can do it, it’s her spouse.     

If you’d like to ask me a question about why a woman avoids intimacy or what she needs to get in the mood, you can type one in the comments section below. 

I’d be happy to try and help out.

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