20 Real Reasons Why Your Wife Avoids Intimacy + Solutions (2024)

If you’re wondering why your wife avoids intimacy, this is the article for you.

As an experienced life coach, I have been able to help plenty of married couples address this problem.

In many cases, the husband didn’t know why his wife was avoiding physical intimacy, and that caused the emotional intimacy in their relationship to plummet.

By reading this article, I hope you can avoid a similar scenario in your marriage. 

Let’s dive right into it.

Wife Avoids Intimacy
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Common Misunderstanding That Causes Conflict Within A Marriage 

A lot of men and women misunderstand the reasons why their partner would want to have intimacy.

Men need to have intimacy to feel truly relaxed and comfortable around their lovers. When they’re aroused, they’ll often experience this inner tension that it feels like can only be released by ejaculating.

Women need to feel truly comfortable and relaxed around their lovers first. When they’re experiencing any form of inner tension, they’re unlikely to be in the mood for intimacy at all. 

Men: Intimacy first, comfortable and relaxed afterward.

Women: Comfortable and relaxed first, intimacy afterward.

Yes, this is a huge generalization, which has been oversimplified so it’s easy for you to understand, but it needs to be understood.

So, what happens when married couples don’t understand this? 

The husband will typically push push push his wife for intimacy, not understanding the underlying reasons why she’s denying him. 

The wife tends to become frustrated with this constant pushing and her spouse’s inability to understand her, making her want less intimacy.  

In many cases, one denial could snowball into a sexless marriage

Let’s say the husband misinterprets the reasons why his wife doesn’t want intimacy. He thinks of the typical reasons why a man wouldn’t want intimacy; no physical attraction, he doesn’t like her, he’s sleeping with someone else, he’s playing mind games.

Of course, this is hurtful. So, the husband becomes resentful and stops treating the wife so nicely, destroying her desire even further. It gets worse and worse until one of them breaks the pattern. 

Now, the reasons listed above could be why the wife was avoiding intimacy in the first place. But, in most cases, the reasons are far more subtle (and often easier to fix).

20 Real Reasons Why Your Wife Avoids Intimacy

Below are some of the more common reasons why intimacy is dwindling within your marriage.

1. She Doesn’t Feel Loved By You 

Emotional intimacy is a necessary ingredient if you want a woman to feel relaxed, comfortable, and aroused in your presence. If you’re not doing the little things to show you love and appreciate her throughout the day, she’ll feel less motivated to make love. 

2. Her Work Is Stressing Her Out

There are plenty of things outside her relationship that could be creating inner tension. Her job is one of the most common. A huge workload, long hours, and pressure from her boss can all contribute to stress.

It’s your job as a spouse to help her relieve this stress at the end of the work day. If you can’t do it, don’t be surprised if she’s not interested. 

3. She Is Exhausted By The Kids  

If you’re a parent, I don’t need to tell you that kids can be a cause of stress and exhaustion. As a man, you may want physical intimacy to get over the stress of parenting. But, remember, women need to feel relaxed and comfortable first. 

4. She Feels Rushed

If you’re busy with work, raising your children, and running your household, you could now be trying to squeeze your intimate life into a limited time window.

This may be no problem for you. As a man, it may not take much to activate your desire. The problem is: women typically need much more time to reach arousal. A time limit will often make it hard for her to relax. In fact, it may well cause more stress.

Related: Why Do Guys Distance Themselves After Intimacy? 11 Insights And How To React

5. She Feels Pressured

Pressuring her to have intimacy just because you want it is a horrible idea. This lack of empathy is usually going to turn her off more.  

6. The Act Is Routine And Monotonous

Good intimacy is harder to resist, even if you’re tired or stressed. Monotonous unfulfilling sex is easier to turn down. 

Over time, it’s possible that your mind-blowing sex may have grown stale, in her mind anyway.  

It’s important to have an open dialogue about this within a marriage and to be open to trying new things in the bedroom.  

Related: How Long Is Too Long Without Sex In A Relationship?

7. The Emotional Connection Is Missing In The Bedroom

The physical pleasure that comes from intimacy means a lot less to women if there’s no emotional connection.

So, ask yourself: do make your wife feel treasured during intimacy. Is it love-making, or are you just using her body as a tool to get off?

Without intimacy, there’s even less of a reason for women to make time in their busy lives for it. 

Related: Turnaround Strategies When The Intimacy Stops In A Relationship

8. You’re Not Catering To Her Needs

There’s every chance that your wife will occasionally want to use intimacy to de-stress, especially if you’re treating her nicely and can bring her to experience intense climaxes.

However, if you’re not doing either of these well, the chances of her wanting it decreases significantly.  

9. Your Desires Might Make Her Uncomfortable 

Are you perhaps asking her to do things in the bedroom that she isn’t completely comfortable with? Rather than bringing this up, she might have opted to avoid it altogether.

Perhaps she put up with it for a while but has lost patience due to the other factors listed here. It’s a question worth asking, especially if you’re into some wild stuff in the bedroom. 

Related: My Sexless Marriage Is Killing Me: 16 Solutions

10. You Have Lost Her Trust

Trust is a key component that makes women feel comfortable and relaxed with their lover. If you’ve done something to break her trust, that might be why she’s avoiding intimacy.

If you suspect this could be a factor, you need to clear the air with her. Maybe she has reason to suspect that you’re cheating or hiding something else from her but hasn’t said anything about it   

11. She Is Sad About Something Unrelated 

As a man, you may view intimacy as a way to get over your sadness. It doesn’t work this way with women.

It’s your job as her spouse to be that shoulder to cry on. Help her to release these negative emotions first, and who knows where that could lead. 

Don’t even think about pushing her for intimacy until you’ve done this. This lack of empathy would be a great way to show you don’t care about her feelings.  

Related: Intimacy Coach – Facts Checklist

12. She Has Become Self-Conscious Of Her Body

If a woman doesn’t feel comfortable in her own skin, this directly impacts her ability to feel comfortable and relaxed with her lover.

As her partner and lover, you play a key role in making her feel like a goddess, no matter what has happened to her body over the years. 

Small compliments, kisses, and ass squeezes throughout the day go a long way. 

13. She’s Struggling To Connect With Her Femininity


When you see a woman expressing herself joyfully, sharing her creativity, and dressing glamorously, that’s her connecting with her feminine energy.

When she’s truly connected, she’s more attracted to the idea of intimacy with her masculine partner. 

The problem is: life can sometimes get in the way of this.

If she’s always busy solving problems at work and at home, that’s her embracing her masculine side. She might not have time to express her femininity in the ways described above.  

This – combined with the stress of solving problems – destroys her drive. 

As the husband, it’s your job to help her unwind from a stressful day, show love, and encourage that divine feminine energy back out of her.

Related: Signs You & Your Partner Are Growing Apart & Solutions

14. She’s Struggling To See Your Masculinity 

When a husband stops asserting his masculine dominance in a relationship, the wife may take on the leadership role. She begins to boss him around, make decisions and ‘wear the pants’. Someone has to lead if anything is going to get done, after all.

Your emasculation causes a bigger disconnection from her femininity. At this point, the relationship has become depolarised, which is a huge turn-off for women. 

15. Hormonal Imbalances May Be Affecting Her Libido

Hormones play a key role for a man’s and a woman’s drive. These hormones could be affected by a new form of contraception, new medication or even changes in her diet and exercise.

It’s well known that a woman’s drive can naturally decrease as she ages, particularly when menopause arrives.

If your wife believes her loss of libido is linked to any of these, she should seek medical advice.  

16. A Traumatic Event  

A traumatic event can destroy a woman’s ability to relax in an intimate setting with her lover – and thus cause her to avoid it. 

Is it possible that past trauma has been retriggered by something that’s happened recently? 

17. An Unresolved Argument Is Festering Within Her 

Men may be able to forget an unresolved argument if it means getting some action. Unresolved arguments tend to fester within many women until they’re solved, draining their desire for intimacy.

Maybe it’s something she hadn’t told you about yet. This is why communication is so important in a marriage.  

18. She’s Feeling Guilty

If she’s done something that would destroy your trust if revealed, that’s going to harm her ability to feel comfortable and relaxed enough to have intimacy with you.

19. She Might Be Dealing With The Baby Blues

Post-partum depression is more common than you may think, and this has a huge impact on a woman’s drive.

Perhaps your wife is open to speaking to a therapist or a mental health professional about this?  

20. Other Underlying Medical Issues

If a man has a headache, he might want intimacy to get over it. If a woman has one, it’s a reason to avoid it altogether.  

Remember, comfort is crucial for her to be in the mood. So, if she’s feeling any serious physical discomfort, she’ll usually avoid intimacy.  

Of course, you’ll want to speak to a doctor about finding a cure, not just for your intimacy life but for her overall health.  


I hope this guide will help you identify why intimacy has dwindled within your marriage. The first step to fixing any issues with a spouse is to know what they are. 

The next step is to start an open conversation with your wife about what may make her more interested in resparking this part of your relationship.

The solution often lies in helping her feel relaxed, comfortable, sexy, and feminine. Perhaps you think this will be hard, but if anyone can do it, it’s her spouse.     

If you’d like to ask me a question about why a woman avoids intimacy or what she needs to get in the mood, you can type one in the comments section below. 

I’d be happy to try and help out.

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About The Author

Bijan Kholghi is a certified life coach with the Milton Erickson Institute Heidelberg (Germany). He helps clients and couples reach breakthroughs in their lives by changing subconscious patterns. His solution-oriented approach is based on Systemic- and Hypnotherapy.