Why Am I Single (2024)? 21+ Reasons And What’s Good About It

Do you often lie alone in bed at night and wonder: “Why am I single?”

If so, I urge you to read this guide. It contains 21 common reasons why good people remain single. But, more importantly, it explains why single life is a good thing. 

In my role as a life coach, I am often helping people gain a new perspective on their worries and fears. That’s why I’m excited to share this guide with you. 

So, let’s dive in.  

Why Am I Single? Answer

Of course, there is likely more than one answer to the question of  “Why Am I Single?”. Here are 21 common reasons why a single person remains without a partner.

Why Am I Single
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1. You Choose To Be Single

Let’s start with the healthiest reason. You’ve made a conscious choice to be on your own for a while. In most circumstances, that’s commendable. But, if that’s you, I’d imagine you wouldn’t be reading this article. So, let’s now focus on reasons you’re single against your will.

Related: Are Some People Meant To Be Alone? 21 Signs You’re That Person

2. You’re Too Needy

It’s understandable why you want to be loved so badly. Perhaps your best friends are happily loved-up and you’re desperate to be as joyful as them. The problem is: this desperation can trigger weak or even nasty behavior that scares people away.

That’s why it’s often said that “you only find love when you’re not looking for it”. If you’re looking for it too intently, people are frightened away by your neediness. This is an understandably irrational reason not to date someone, but a very common one. I’ve heard so many similar stories from people who left a love interest who “liked them too much”. 

3. You Don’t Love Yourself

“You must learn to love yourself before you can love others.”  This is another common phrase about adult relationships with pretty much the same sentiment as the last one.

When you rely on affection from a life partner to feel good about yourself, you put a lot of strain on your relationship. Your potential partner doesn’t want that sort of pressure.

At best, (or should I say worst), this attitude will lead you to a toxic codependent relationship.

4. You’re Not Over Your Ex

Break-ups are painful. Many people feel they need to give themselves time to heal after a relationship’s failed outcome. This is perfectly understandable – and one of the healthier reasons for being single included in this list.

There’s no accurate average amount of time that it takes someone to get over heartbreak. But this guide might help you get over it faster: Getting Over A Breakup Is A Chance – Get Over Your Ex Fast

5. You Compare New Potential Partners To Your Ex

It’s going to be tough for any new person in your life to compare to your ex. You two had a powerful bond and strong mutual interest that took time to build. This new person is essentially a stranger in comparison.

Our own defenses make us consider our previous partners when choosing a new one. We don’t want someone too similar to our ex, nor someone who pales in comparison. But over-complicating your search for a new partner serves no-one. 

You’d be better advised to consider the positive and negative qualities of potential lovers independently from your previous relationships. 

6. You Have Fears Surrounding Intimacy 

A traumatic experience with a previous lover – or even with a family member – can create a negative image of intimacy in your mind. This fear is rarely conscious. Instead, you’ll often be self-sabotaging potential relationships without understanding why.

7. You Go For The Wrong People

It could be that you’re naive in love. But, when someone continuously chooses emotionally distant partners, that’s often another form of self-sabotage based on fear of intimacy.

They’re choosing disappointing relationships with an emotionally unavailable partner, rather than risking heartbreak in a more loving environment. 

People who grew up with distant or abusive parents often fall into this trap. If that’s you, it might be worth speaking to a family therapist about it. 

8. You’re Obsessed With One Person Who Doesn’t Want You

It’s perfectly natural to develop strong feelings for one particular person – and for these feelings to make you not want to pursue anyone else. But if that person has made it clear they don’t want you, you’ll be throwing away other great opportunities to meet someone else, and for nothing! 

9. You’re Too Busy To Meet Someone

Finding the right person for a healthy relationship is somewhat of a numbers game. The more people you meet, the better the chance you have of finding the right person.

A lot of people remain single, because they simply aren’t being social enough to find the right partner. Many of these people find themselves too consumed with their busy schedule to mingle with other singles.

10. You’re Isolated

Maybe you’re stuck living in a small town. Perhaps you have responsibilities to take care of a family member. Or maybe your city is under strict lockdown. Either way, the resulting isolation can make it much harder to meet someone.

11. You’re Just Not Getting Out There

Some people aren’t too busy and they aren’t isolated! They just don’t like mingling at bars, parties and social events. If that’s you, check out this list of 23 Life-Changing Social Hobbies For Introverts.

12. You’re Not Making The First Move

Maybe you are putting yourself out there and meeting lots of romantic candidates, but you’re not making that first move to turn an acquaintance into a date. By waiting for them to make the first move, you’re leaving your romantic destiny to fate. 

It’s far better to ignore your excuses and work up the courage to ask someone out. This guide on LIGHT Ways – How To Ask If Someone Is Single could help.

13. You Don’t Feel Good Enough

If you have a critical inner voice saying you’re not worthy of love, that can make it desperately hard to find. Low self-esteem is another common reason why people self-sabotage their relationships. If you struggle to feel like you deserve a great partner, check out this list of 26 Ways To Boost Your Self-Worthiness.

14. Dating Makes You Nervous

Some people find the world of dating to be an anxiety-provoking world. The idea of being judged or rejected can trigger self-attacking thoughts in anxious people. So can thoughts of saying something stupid and hurting the other person’s feelings. This might lead some people to forego dating and stick to the comfort-zone of being alone instead. 

15. Commitment-Phobia

Maybe you call it ‘grass is greener’ syndrome or ‘fear of missing out’. Either way, you’re still in the stage of life where you feel like a serious relationship will limit you, instead of making your life better.

16. Unrealistic Standards For A Partner

There’s a lot of optimistic messages floating around social media telling modern women (in particular) not to settle for less than perfect. Perhaps these messages are coming from a good place, but they can also inspire men and women to discount fantastic people, because they don’t tick every box on their wishlist.

17. Unrealistic Expectations For A Relationship

Perhaps this fantasy idea of a ‘perfect partner’ is causing you to write people off too easily. Maybe every mistake your latest beau makes leads you to stare with critical or distrusting eyes, while concluding you need a more substantial relationship. This is an incredibly naive way to go about looking for genuine love. 

All successful relationships will have ups and downs. If you ever want a meaningful relationship to last, you’re going to have to learn how to weather the occasional storm. These Expert Tips To Consider Before Leaving A Relationship could prove helpful. 

These expectations might drip down into the rules you set for your relationships. In satisfying relationships, the relationship rules tend to be based on compromise, rather than one person’s impossible standards. 

18. You’re A Pessimist

Of course, we all have good days and bad days. A benefit of having a boyfriend or girlfriend is that you can help each other through tough times.

But these negative reactions take their toll and ultimately lead to an unsatisfying relationship. A romantic partner should be mostly fun to be around, not a constant drain on your mood. 

If you constantly replay negative aspects of your life for your partner to stew on, it shouldn’t be a surprise that no-one wants to be with you. For guidance, check out this list of 33 easy ways to spread positivity throughout your own life.

19. You Don’t Take Care Of Your Appearance

Looks aren’t the only thing that attracts people to one another, but they do play a big role when it comes to generating a good first impression.

You’re going to have a tougher time finding a partner if:

  • you’re overweight;
  • you don’t dress well;
  • you don’t groom yourself well; 
  • you have bad hygiene.

In this increasingly self-protective society, some might think it’s offensive to say that. But it’s the truth.    

20. You’re Over-Reliant On Online Dating

Online dating can be a useful tool to help you expand your dating pool, but it is highly looks-based.

I’m not the only relationship coach who suggests that dating apps should be a supplement to your dating life, not what you rely on. If you have an attractive personality, you’ll be far better off meeting people in real life. That way, you can actually use your personality, rather than relying on a few photos that you uploaded to Tinder. 

21. You’re Too Impatient

It’s not easy to find the right person to start dating. Even if you’re doing everything right, it’s possible that most people will be incompatible with you. 

It could just be that you’re ready for a serious and fulfilling relationship, but haven’t met the other person yet. So, don’t give up. Keep looking and be patient.  

What Should I Do If I Am Single?

I Am Single
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The great thing about being single is: it gives you the opportunity and motive to focus on improving yourself. 

Hopefully, having read this list, you have a better idea of why you’re single. If so, you should also have a solid plan for how to fix the issue.

While you’re doing that, it’s also recommended to start creating a life you truly adore, regardless of whether you have a romantic partner. 

This will help you stop feeling so needy for a relationship. It will make you happier and more enjoyable to be around. It will also make you a better candidate to date in the future. After all, people with fun and desirable lifestyles are incredibly attractive.

If you’ve previously struggled with thoughts of needing to be in a couple to feel happy, I’d recommend trying to stay on your own for a while. Don’t jump into a relationship with the next person who will have you.  

It might feel strangely alien to stay single or only date casually for more than a year. But, this will give you a better understanding of who you are and what you want.

Then, when a truly suitable romantic interest appears, you can be more sure that this actually is the right person for you. What’s more, the long albeit painful process of working on yourself will better prepare you to treat this person well in a relationship. 

This guide on Strategies How To Stop Looking For Love might help you on your journey.

How Do I Stop Being Single?

If you’re asking this question, you have the wrong mindset. 

Learn to enjoy being single. Take up new hobbies. Spend more time with your close friends. Develop a lifestyle that you enjoy regardless of your relationship status. Date casually for a while, so you can understand what type of person you’re most compatible with.

Don’t date the first person who will have you, just for the sake of avoiding singledom. When you do that, you’re going to end up in far less satisfying relationships. When you don’t hate singledom, you put yourself in a much better position to choose the right partner.  

Is It OK To Be Single Forever?

There is no one ‘correct’ way to live your life. Some people will tell you that getting married, having children and enjoying your family life is the right path. But there are plenty of people living joyful and fulfilling lives without having done that.

It’s up to you to decide exactly what to do with your own life. That’s one of the most beautiful things about it. You don’t have to blindly follow other people’s rules.

You could find the love of your life, have 12 kids and be happy. You could spend your whole life casually dating diverse people and be happy. You could dedicate your entire existence to your career – without ever achieving intimacy – and be happy.

You can be happy or unhappy regardless of your relationship status. With that said, I’d imagine all of the outcomes listed here would be better than staying in a miserable relationship forever. Ultimately though, it’s up to you.  

Frequently Asked Questions About Why Am I Still Single

Still Single
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Here are some answers to questions asked far too frequently about this topic, just in case you don’t understand the core message of this article yet.

What Is Wrong With Me? Why Am I Single?

There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re still single. Of all the reasons why you’re still single listed above, none of them say you’re a bad person. Yes, there are improvements you can make to meet more people, improve your interpersonal relationships and become more appealing, but that’s true of all of us. 

Being single isn’t inherently bad or wrong – and it’s about time that everyone started painting singledom in a more positive light. Paradoxically, once you do that, you’ll often find more people start queuing up to date you.   

I Am A Good Woman. Why Am I Single?

These self-soothing words are irrelevant to the question. It’s possible to be a good woman and still be dealing with some of the situations mentioned in this guide.

I’m Pretty. Why Am I Single?

Again, it’s possible that you’re physically attractive and still dealing with some of the situations mentioned in this guide. Also, both men and women tend to be looking for a great deal more than a pretty face when it comes to choosing a partner.

Why Am I Single Test

Still not sure why you’re single? I like this test from quizexpo.com. It should be able to give you a stronger idea of the main reason why you’re not coupled up.

Any More Questions?

Thanks for reading my article. I hope you’ve experienced some extremely positive developments in your understanding of why you’re still single. I also hope you feel better about it.

If you have any questions about this topic, feel free to leave a question below. There are no silly questions. If you’re confused about something, there’s probably several other readers in the same boat.     

I love to hear from my readers, even the negative reactions, so don’t be afraid to share your thoughts.

About The Author

Bijan Kholghi is a certified life coach with the Milton Erickson Institute Heidelberg (Germany). He helps clients and couples reach breakthroughs in their lives by changing subconscious patterns. His solution-oriented approach is based on Systemic- and Hypnotherapy.