Loving an avoidant is like riding a roller coaster.
One day you’re fine. Your partner has done all the right things. They held your hand as you walked, smiled at you, and couldn’t hide their affection for you. The next day, it’s the opposite. They are distant, cold, and show little affection for you. It’s like they are no longer in love with you.
Which leaves you wondering, “Does he/she love me or not?”
This article will help you find answers to this question. In this article, we discuss 21 signs an avoidant loves you!
Here’s what you’ll learn:
Let’s get right into it.
Key Takeaways
- People with an avoidant attachment style tend to push away anyone who gets close to them.
- Avoidants do show a lot of subtle signs when they’re falling in love.
- If you see any signs, it’s worth pursuing an avoidant patiently and giving the time needed to trust you.
Who Is an Avoidant?
An avoidant is someone who tends to distance themselves from people, avoid intimacy and sabotage close relationships.
On top of that, most avoidant people tend to be:
- Uncomfortable with emotional intimacy.
- Are pessimistic, shy, and unsure of themselves.
- Don’t communicate their feelings
- Gets anxious and fearful of social situations, especially those involving intimacy.
- Are independent and self-sufficient
People with an avoidant attachment style often have a fear of abandonment. As a result, they might avoid romantic relationships or push people away when they start to get too close.
And when they get into meaningful relationships, they act in a way that makes their partner question their feelings. Some of the things an avoidant in a relationship might do include:
- Keeping their partner separate from other areas of their lives
- Avoiding any discussion of the relationship progressing
- Dumping their partner into the friend zone
- Trying to prove that relationships don’t work and that love doesn’t exist
Being in a relationship with someone with avoidant personalities can also leave you feeling as if your requests for intimacy are too demanding.
Most avoidants also maintain contact with their exes, which could be why you question whether they love you.
Types Of Avoidant Attachments
There are two forms of avoidant attachment styles you need to know about; dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant.
Those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style will confidently push you away or reject your advances when they feel you getting too close.
Those with a fearful avoidant attachment style tend to have low self-esteem and struggles to believe they deserve love. They’re more likely to self-sabotage their successful relationship, rather than push you away directly. There are many similarities between fearful avoidants and those with an anxious attachment style.
It’s possible for both styles of avoidant to develop genuine feelings for someone, even if their actions don’t show it. So, let’s dive into the subtle signs that an avoidant loves you.
21 Signs An Avoidant Loves You
#1. They Exhibit Subtle Cues of Love.
When an avoidant person loves you, they will start to exhibit subtle signs of love.
One of the most obvious signs you’re likely to notice with your avoidant partner is that they’ll try to hold eye contact with you. With every chance they get, avoidant partners will try to gaze into your eyes. And not in a creepy way, but in a sweet sexy way that shows admiration.
An avoidant in love will also make subtle adjustments to their appearance to look more attractive. For instance, they might start to dress better or take more care of their hygiene.
Other signs an avoidant loves you include
- Lightly touching your hand while talking,
- Leaning towards you when seated, and
- A reluctance to leave your side.
You might also notice that your avoidant partner becomes more talkative and open around you.
#2. They Initiate Spending Time With You.
Another sign that your avoidant partner loves you is that they make more of an effort to spend time with you.
An avoidant in love will want to be around you as much as possible. They’ll find excuses to see you or even cancel their plans if it means getting to spend more time with you.
You might also notice that your avoidant partner starts to include you in their plans more often.
And when they can’t be with you, they’ll try to stay in touch by texting or calling you throughout the day.
Some avoidants might also start to talk about future plans and what they want to do with you.
For instance, they might mention wanting to go on a trip together or even talk about moving in together.
But while an avoidant in love will want to spend more time with you, they’ll also be careful not to smother you. So don’t be surprised if they still need some alone time every now and then.
Related: Avoidant Attachment Triggers & How To Heal
#3. They Try to Connect With You.
Another big sign an avoidant loves you is that they’ll make more of an effort to create a deep connection with you.
This means they’ll be more open about their thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
You might notice that your avoidant partner starts to confide in you more often. And they might also begin to share things about their past with you.
Some avoidants might even start to open up about their fears and insecurities.
But while an avoidant in love will be more open with you, they’ll also be careful not to reveal too much too soon. So don’t expect them to tell you everything about themselves right away.
#4. They Break Their Rules For You.
If you’re in a meaningful relationship with an avoidant, you know they have many rules.
These rules are usually implemented to help them protect themselves from getting hurt.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll start to break their own rules for you.
For instance, if they have a rule about not being seen in public with you, they might start to break it. Or if they have a rule about not getting too close to you, they might begin to break that too.
Breaking their own rules signifies that an avoidant loves you and is willing to let their guard down for you.
But while an avoidant in love will break their rules for you, they’ll still be careful about how much they let you in. So don’t expect them to let you all the way into their lives right away.
Give them time and space, and they’ll eventually let you in.
#5. They Encourage You To Get Your Personal Space.
One of the most endearing signs of people with an avoidant attachment style is their love for personal space. Even when in love, an avoidant will still want their time alone to avoid feeling smothered.
This is why they are likely to encourage you to get your personal space. They might even go as far as to encourage you to spend time with your friends or family.
And while it might seem like they’re pushing you away, it’s actually a sign that they love you.
By telling you to have some personal time, an avoidant encourages you to explore your hobbies, ensuring that you won’t get bored or resentful of them.
It also gives you a chance to miss them, which only makes the time you spend together that much sweeter.
Related: How To Make An Avoidant Miss You
#6. They Tell You One of Their Secrets.
Another sign that an avoidant person loves you is that they’ll start to share their secrets with you.
This is a big deal for someone with avoidant attachment because they are less trusting of other people.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll trust you enough to tell you one of their secrets. And while it might not seem like a big deal to you, it’s a huge sign of trust.
It shows that your avoidant partner is willing to let you into their lives and share things with you that they don’t share with others.
However, don’t expect an avoidant to tell you all their secrets. They’ll still be careful about how much they reveal to you.
An avoidant in love will not only share their secrets. They’ll also be vulnerable with you. An avoidant in love will be comfortable sharing their fears with you.
This is a big deal because avoidants usually keep their fears to themselves.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll trust you enough to confide in you about their fears and vulnerabilities.
And it’s not only their fears!
An avoidant in love will also feel comfortable sharing their dreams and aspirations with you.
They’ll want you to be a part of their lives and will be willing to let you in.
However, don’t expect an avoidant to share everything with you immediately. They’ll still be careful about how much they reveal to you. But if they share their fears and vulnerabilities with you, it’s a good sign that they’re falling in love with you.
#8. They Believe That You Won’t Criticize Them.
By sharing their secrets, fears, and dreams, your avoidant partner hopes you won’t criticize them.
Avoidants tend to be overly sensitive and are easily hurt by criticism. An avoidant in love wants to be accepted for who they are and not be judged.
And while it’s natural to want to be accepted, it’s a big deal for an avoidant because they are usually very critical of themselves.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll believe you won’t criticize them. And it’s this belief that allows them to be vulnerable with you.
#9. They Make The First Move in The Relationship.
In a relationship, the person more interested in the other makes the first move.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll make the first move. This is a big deal because avoidants usually want the other person to make the first move.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll be comfortable making the first move. This can be asking you to be their boyfriend or girlfriend or to marry them.
And it doesn’t have to be a big move!
It can also be as simple as asking you out on a date or sending you a text message. But whatever the move is, it’ll be a good sign that your partner with avoidant behavior really likes you.
#10. They Start Getting Physical With You.
Due to their fear of intimacy, avoidants tend to avoid physical intimacy.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll start to get physical with you. This can be anything from holding hands to kissing to sex.
And while it might not seem like a big deal, it’s a huge sign of love.
It shows that your avoidant partner is comfortable being close to you and is no longer afraid of intimacy.
However, don’t expect an avoidant to get physical with you immediately.
#11. They Embrace Your Differences and Acknowledge Them.
People with avoidant attachment styles always try to be perfect. They want to be the best at everything they do.
And while this can be a great quality, it also means that avoidants are usually very critical of themselves.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll accept you for who you are. They’ll embrace your differences and acknowledge them.
And while it might not seem like a big deal, it’s a huge sign of love.
It shows that your avoidant partner is comfortable with you and trusts you enough to accept you for who you are.
However, don’t expect an avoidant to embrace your differences right away. It might take some time for them to get used to the idea.
But if they’re willing to accept you, it’s a good sign that they love you.
#12. They Get A Sense of Relaxation in Your Company.
Has your avoidant partner told you that they feel relaxed when around you?
If so, it’s a good sign that they love you.
It means that your avoidant partner feels safe and comfortable around you. This is especially the case for a fearful-avoidant.
A fearful avoidant usually feels anxious and stressed. But when they’re around you, they’ll feel relaxed. This shows that your avoidant partner trusts you and feels safe with you.
However, don’t expect an avoidant to tell you that they feel relaxed around you right away. They usually only say it when they feel comfortable and safe with you.
But if they say it, it’s a good sign that they love you.
#13. They Make Plans With You
Avoidants are afraid of any form of commitment. Whether it’s discussing the future, making travel plans, or even getting married, avoidants will try to avoid it.
But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll make plans with you.
This can include making travel plans with you, talking about the future with you, or even getting married to you.
And while it might not seem like a big deal, it’s a huge sign of love.
It shows that your avoidant partner is committed to you and is willing to make plans with you.
Avoidants usually keep their fantasies to themselves.
They’re afraid you’ll judge them if they share them with you. But when an avoidant loves you, they’ll start to share their fantasies with you.
This can be anything from sexual fantasies to future plans.
Sharing their fantasies shows that your avoidant partner trusts and is comfortable with you. It’s a good sign that they’re falling in love with you.
However, don’t expect an avoidant to share their fantasies with you right away. It might take some time for them to feel comfortable enough to do so.
#15. They Talk to You About Intimate Stuff
If your romantic partner is avoidant, they may not be the type to share their feelings or open up about their own emotions.
However, if they love you, they will try to share things with you that are important to them. This could include stories from their childhood, things that have made them who they are today, or even their hopes and dreams for the future.
They may even share stories of previous intimate relationships
By sharing these intimate details with you, they are showing that they trust you and feel comfortable enough to be themselves around you. It’s a sign that they see you as a special person in their life with who they want to create emotional closeness.
#16. They Leave You Alone in Their Apartment
If you’re dating an avoidant person, they may not invite you to spend the night at their place very often.
However, if they love you, they will eventually feel comfortable enough to let you stay over without them being there. This is a big deal because it means they trust you with their personal space. It’s a sign that they feel comfortable and safe around you.
It also shows that they are willing to try to accommodate your needs and want you to feel at home in their space.
So, if you’re dating an avoidant and they start letting you stay over at their place without them being there, it’s a good sign that they love you.
#17. They Work Hard To Look Perfect in Your Eyes
Avoidants tend to be perfectionists.
So, if they love you, they will go out of their way to ensure they look perfect in your eyes. This could include dressing up for dates, working out more often, or trying to improve themselves.
They want you to see them as perfect and will work hard to ensure you do.
#18. They Introduce You To Their Friends And Family Members
When you start dating a love avoidant, they may not immediately introduce you to their friends and family. In fact, they might wait a long time before doing so.
However, if they love you, they will eventually want you to meet the people who are important to them. This is because they see you as a permanent fixture in their life and want their loved ones to know you.
#19. They Apologize To You When They Are Wrong
Avoidants hate admitting that they are wrong.
If an avoidant is wrong, he may assume that the issue never happened. They tend to sweep issues under the rug.
However, if an avoidant loves you, they will apologize to you when they are wrong. They know that admitting their mistakes is a sign of strength, and they want to show you that they are strong enough to do so.
It’s also a sign of respect. When an avoidant apologizes to you, they are showing you that they respect your opinion and value your thoughts and feelings.
Related: Proven Strategies How To Communicate With An Avoidant Partner
#20. They Explicitly Tell You That They Love You
Avoidants are not the type to say “I love you” often. In fact, they may never say it at all.
However, if an avoidant loves you, they will eventually find the courage to tell you how they feel. They know it’s important to express their feelings and want you to know you’re loved.
It may not be said often, but when an avoidant says “I love you,” they mean it.
#21. They Ask You To Marry Them/ Accept Your Marriage Proposal
Marriage is the ultimate form of commitment. It’s a sign that an avoidant loves you if they are willing to take this big step with you.
A dismissive-avoidant will typically shy away from marriage because they see it as a trap. They worry that it will mean giving up their freedom.
However, if an avoidant loves you, they will see marriage as a way to further commit to you and make your relationship work.
Bonus Sign: A Relationship Coach Confirms It
If you’re still not sure if your avoidant partner loves you, ask a relationship coach.
A certified relationship coach can help you to understand your avoidant partner. Highly-trained relationship coaches will be able to see the signs that you may be missing. They will also be able to give you relationship advice surrounding how to deal with your avoidant partner.
These include advice on how to communicate better with your avoidant as well as give you tips on how to make an avoidant miss you
An Avoidant Loves You, What Next?
If you’re dating an avoidant and you see these signs, it’s a good sign that they love you.
However, what do you do next?
The most important thing to remember is to give them space. Avoidants need time and space to process their feelings. They may not be able to express their love for you in words, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have strong feelings for you.
So, be patient and give them the time and space they need. In the end, it will be worth it.
You also have to be honest and transparent with your avoidant partner. They need to know how you feel and what you want from the relationship. Otherwise, they will never be able to give you what you need.
Communication is key in any healthy relationship, but it’s crucial when dating an avoidant.
Lastly, don’t try to change them. Avoidants are who they are, and you can’t change that. You can only accept them for who they are and hope they will do the same for you.
If you love an avoidant, the best thing you can do is to give them space, be honest with them, and accept them for who they are.
Signs An Avoidant Loves You: FAQs
How to Make an Avoidant Feel Safe
The best way to make a person with avoidant personality disorder feel safe is to give them space. Avoidants need time alone to process their thoughts and feelings. They also need time to recharge after socializing.
So, if you want to make an avoidant feel safe, it’s essential to give them the space they need. Other ways to make an avoidant feel safe include:
- Accepting them for who they are.
- Listening to their problems.
- Asking them about their needs
- Praising their positive behavior
- Neutrally expressing your emotions.
How to Tell an Avoidant You Love Them
If you want to tell an avoidant that you love them, it’s essential to do so in a way that won’t make them feel uncomfortable.
One way to do this is to express your love in a non-verbal way. You can do this by showing them affection through your actions. This could include cooking, doing things for them, or simply spending time with them.
Another way to tell an avoidant that you love them is to express your feelings in a letter or email. This way, they can read your words at their own pace and in their own time.
Finally, you could tell an avoidant that you love them by saying it in person.
How Does An Avoidant Fall In Love?
An avoidant will run away from any potential lover who tries to push things forward too quickly. The key is to build a relationship slowly, earn their trust and remain patient with their love avoidant behavior.
You might not see many clear signs of affection during this initial courtship, but hopefully the subtle signs mentioned in this guide will give you enough encouragement to keep building a loving relationship with this person.
How To Communicate With An Avoidant
Effective communication with an avoidant will be essential in your quest to open their heart. That’s why I recommend you follow my list of proven strategies to effectively communicate with an avoidant.
Can You Heal An Avoidant Attachment?
It is possible to heal an avoidant attachment, but this requires a lot of inner work from the person who is struggling with it. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you could heal by identifying what caused this style to emerge in the first place and dealing with this childhood trauma. It’s much easier with the help of a therapist or a life coach.
If you’re pursuing someone with an avoidant attachment, the best thing you can do is be patient with them, give the emotional support and positive reinforcement they need, and hope they eventually find the courage to open up to you.
Are Avoidants Lonely?
It’s certainly possible that avoidants can become lonely, but that’s not always the case. Many avoidants are fulfilled engaging in solo projects and spending time with a handful of close friends.
Are Avoidants Cheaters?
Sadly, avoidants are prone to sabotaging things with those who are getting close to them – and finding intimacy elsewhere is one of the ways they do this.
Your best bet is to help them understand why avoidants self-sabotage as a coping mechanism – and hope that your partner can feel secure enough not to hurt their partner’s feelings in that way.
How To Be In A Relationship With An Avoidant
If you can persuade an avoidant to agree to a serious relationship, that’s a great sign of progress in their trust for you.
However, in all likelihood, you’re going to have to continue being patient and giving them space as the relationship develops.
That doesn’t mean you won’t have many loving and intimate moments. It’s just these moments might be interspersed with occasions when your lover is more emotionally distant. This doesn’t necessarily mean they love you any less than someone with a secure attachment style.
