12 Men’s Secret Obsessions You Should Know (2024)

Do you sometimes wonder what men really want in a relationship? 

It’s a topic that often comes up in my role as a life coach. In fact, I have dealt with a lot of women who are way off the mark when it comes to making a man happy.

That’s why I thought it was necessary to create this advice about men’s ‘secret’ obsessions. 

Below, you’ll find a surprising list of qualities that women can cultivate to help make men obsessed with them.    

Let’s dive right into it.

Men’s Secret Obsession
Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash

What Is A Man’s Secret Obsession? 

Below is a list of 12 female characteristics that can drive a man surprisingly wild and help him to fall in love.

1. Femininity

Feminity is defined by emotional, nurturing, sensitive, vulnerable and sensual characteristics.

It’s the polar opposite of masculinity, which is defined by logic, leadership, groundedness, competition and aggression.

It’s natural for masculine men to prefer feminine women. This is called sexual polarity.  

In fact, the soothing feminine energy can become somewhat of an obsession for a deeply masculine man after a tough day at work.

So, why is this becoming a secret obsession? 

Well, third-wave feminism is teaching ladies to strive to become leaders in the workplace, to make important decisions in the boardroom and (in some cases) to take charge of their relationships.

That’s great, if a woman wants to do that. Both genders should be granted equality of opportunity to chase leadership roles. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s inherently masculine to take charge and be a leader – and men are mostly attracted to feminine behavior.

The problem is: if a man comes out and says he’s not attracted to bossy and assertive women, he’s often accused of being weak and intimidated by strong partners. He might even be accused of being against equality of opportunity for both genders.

In fact, when a man admits any of the ‘secrets’ in this advice guide, it can possibly trigger people, start arguments and get him accused of discrimination. As such, many prefer to lie or keep the truth to themselves.   

2. The Perfect Female Body

Men are biologically wired to seek a woman with a youthful face, small waist, big hips and big breasts. These are visible signs that she’ll be able to give birth to a healthy child. 

This is the biological explanation of why most men want a woman with this body shape, and why women with these bodies are traditionally plastered all over magazines and billboards.  

So, why is this becoming a secret obsession?

Just as men can be shamed for desiring feminine women, they can also be shamed for objectifying them.

It would appear as if it’s no longer OK to admit that one body type is more desirable than another.  

There are ‘body positivity’ movements all over the news, trying to convince women to be happy with their body no matter how unhealthy it is. Plus-size models are appearing on billboards and magazine covers. Adverts for fitness products have been pulled for promoting ‘unrealistic body standards’. 

Now, if men or women go against the message that ‘all bodies are beautiful’, they can be accused of discrimination or fatphobia. There are even voices in mainstream news suggesting men are transphobic if they refuse to date transsexuals. 

So, while men will continue to objectify the ‘stereotypically beautiful’ bikini model among themselves, it’s becoming more common for them to follow the ‘all bodies are beautiful’ narrative, if questioned in public.  

3. Youth 

Despite the clear biological reason why men prefer to date younger adult women, there still seems to be some confusion about it. 

What’s more, there is still a lot of shaming in society when it comes to age-gap relationships, so a lot of men may choose to keep this preference to themselves. 

4. Help Him Feel Like A King 

Masculine men are strong leaders who want a willing follower. Feminine women tend to be willing followers looking for a strong leader.

If you’re a feminine woman who finds a great masculine partner, the best thing you can do is to make him feel like a strong and powerful king.

He’ll love it. 

Compliment him. Let him make decisions. Submit to him. Fulfil his sexual desires. 

Do this well enough and you will become his obsession.

In fact, there is a popular online program teaching women how to do this called: ‘His Secret Obsession’. James Bauer – the relationship coach who created this program – insists a man wants to feel like his woman’s hero more than anything else. In his course, he teaches behaviors which trigger a man’s ‘Hero’s Instinct’ and make him fall in love deeply.   

But, why is this becoming a secret obsession among men?

It goes against the feminist message that men and women should be equal in all aspects of their relationship. The idea that a woman might even want to make her partner feel dominant could anger a lot of feminist campaigners. 

Indeed, if a man publicly mentions that he’d prefer a submissive partner, he may also trigger the loud vocal wrath of feminism supporters. So, men often keep these desires to themselves.  

5. Peace 

Most men want their family home to be a relaxing environment after a stressful day in the workplace.

If you can be a partner that creates this peaceful environment, he’ll always love to come home to you. 

If you’re a woman who brings more drama and stress, not so much. 

It might be popular to share the popular Marilyn Monroe quote: ‘If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best’ on social media.

It’s also a widespread idea that Prince Charming is supposed to help and accept a damsel in distress.

But the truth is: if your ‘worst’ is too stressful, he won’t want you in his life at all.

6. Purity

Another secret obsession of many men is to find a partner who has maintained her purity.

In the modern day, this typically means not having too many intimate partners or revealing pictures on the internet.

Men who express this secret obsession are often shamed for having double-standards. 

“How come men are celebrated for having hooked up with lots of women?”, they might be asked.

The answer is: a guy can only sleep with a lot of women if he’s achieved some sort of success in his life. A winning personality. A strong attractive body. A lot of money and status.  

Meanwhile, once a woman has been ‘won over’ by several other dudes, she’s rarely seen as a particularly desirable prize. In a man’s eyes, her purity has faded, just like a diamond that’s been spoiled by loads of grubby hands.    

Studies also suggest that people who have racked up lots of intimate partners find it difficult to pair-bond and develop feelings of true love. 

7. Open-Mindedness

Modern dating is tough for a lot of ‘average’ guys.

While not all women want to treat their man like a king, many are refusing to settle for anyone with less than king-like qualities.

The growth of online dating and social media has made it easier for the most attractive high-status guys to reach out to all the women in their city and beyond.

This has resulted in women generally raising their standards for who they’d consider date-worthy. Check out this data suggesting the top 78% of attractive women are only competing for the top 20% of attractive men on Tinder.

Meanwhile, a lot of good-hearted, funny, charming and moderately successful guys are missing out altogether.

It may be fair to argue it’s their fault for failing to meet the new dating standards. Perhaps they’d be best advised to improve their life by making more money or getting ripped at the gym. 

Nevertheless, it remains true that these guys could quickly become obsessed with any woman who is open-minded enough to give him a try. 

8. Parenting Skills

Many of the traits that attract a man are based on a woman’s potential to be a good mother to his children. He’s also looking for a woman that can help create a functional family home for these kids.  

So, if you can show any more traits – other than those already listed here – which highlight this potential, you’re onto a winner. 

9. Home-Making Skills

There are plenty of men who still love the idea of coming home to a clean house and a great meal after a stressful day. 

You can bet this desire for a woman with traditional housewife skills is a secret obsession among most men though.   

None of them want to be accused of contributing to ‘harmful stereotypes’ that used to hold women back in the workplace.

10. A Healthy Family Background

There is plenty of relationship advice out there telling men not to date single mothers, or women who weren’t raised by two parents. 

The relationship coach who advises this often suggests that these are hurt women, who aren’t capable of rebuilding trust and creating emotionally healthy relationships with new men.

11. Sex Drive Is Important To Men

There have been plenty of jokes written about how crazy the male sex drive is, but these are funny because there’s a hint of truth to them. 

While it’s not the only thing they consider when dating, physical intimacy is considered a lot

If you can blow his mind in the bedroom, it can do a lot to help a man develop these feelings of obsession towards you.

It’s not just whether he feels physical attraction either. 

If he’s a deeply masculine guy, it’s likely he wants to dominate you in the bedroom. The question is: are you willing to be his submissive partner? That’s a great way to trigger a man’s ‘Hero Instinct’, according to James Bauer anyway. 

For a satisfying long-term relationship, men need a woman’s sex drive to be somewhat equal to theirs. Compatibility, as far as what you both desire in the bedroom, is also important.  

The sad thing is: despite the importance of physical intimacy in relationships, a lot of couples barely talk about their physical desires.   

Perhaps they’re scared to offend their partner. Maybe they’re afraid to be kink-shamed. Sexuality tends to be a sensitive topic, after all.  

It means that a lot of men and women go the length of their relationship without ever revealing the deepest intimate desires. These fantasies therefore remain a secret obsession, perhaps forever. What a shame.

If you can be the woman who encourages him to talk about his fantasies and help him fulfil them, that will go a long way to making a man fall in love with you.

12. Natural Beauty Is Important

Most men love it when a woman makes the effort to dress well, do their hair & make-up, plus whatever else is in their beauty routine.

But smart guys can see through the illusion. Their secret obsession is the naturally beautiful woman.

The beauty they really love is the beauty that’s obtained and maintained through healthy eating, exercising, and, of course, genetics.

Not that they’ll admit it after you’ve taken over two hours to get ready for your date.  

How To Know A Man’s Secret Obsession

A lot of men won’t openly admit that these secrets are true, because certain parts of society are labelling them as toxic and misogynistic.

If you ask a guy how he feels about the ideas above and he senses that someone might be offended, he might decide to lie about his feelings.

In many cases, that’s a smarter idea than getting into a heated argument. 

But if you can gain a man’s trust and ask him privately about what men want with an open mind, there’s every chance he’ll tell you the truth. That’s how you get his secret obsession out in the open. 

While not every man will agree with every idea on this list, you’ll begin to get a better idea about how men really feel by doing this. 

Any Questions About Men’s Secret Obsession?

I hope you enjoyed my article about the secrets to make a man fall in love. 

Now you know what a man really wants from a relationship, even if he won’t publicly admit it.

If there’s anything you want to know about this guide I’ve written, feel free to ask a question below. 

I always love to hear from readers of my website articles.

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About The Author

Bijan Kholghi is a certified life coach with the Milton Erickson Institute Heidelberg (Germany). He helps clients and couples reach breakthroughs in their lives by changing subconscious patterns. His solution-oriented approach is based on Systemic- and Hypnotherapy.