How To Initiate Contact After No Contact Period – 9 Important Steps (2021)

7 min read

Most people understand the concept of a ‘no contact period’ after a breakup, but do you know how to initiate contact after ‘no contact period’ is over?

In this guide, we’ll explore when it’s a good idea to reach out to your ex after ‘no contact period’, and how to do it. 

As a life coach, I have worked with plenty of men and women who want advice on how to get their ex back.

That’s why I’m excited to share these important steps for reaching out after a period of no contact.  

Let’s dive right into it.

How To Initiate Contact After No Contact Period
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1. Should I Initiate Contact After No Contact?

We’ll start by exploring whether you should be breaking the no contact rule at all.

Please be open-minded to accepting this advice, even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

In many cases, when people are told it’s too soon to contact an ex, they assume this advice is wrong and do it anyway. 

But the fact is: if you break the no contact rule too early, it not only intensifies the feelings of longing for your ex, it hurts your chances of reuniting. So, please wait. There’s no good reason to contact your ex too quickly.

Wondering how to know if it’s too early? Well, I’ve listed some questions for you to answer. 

  • Are you desperate to get your ex back as quickly as possible?
  • Do you feel like you can’t go on without them?
  • Are you frequently checking their recent posts on social media?  
  • Do you worry that waiting to break the ‘no contact rule’ will lessen the chances of them coming back?

If the answer is ‘Yes’ to any of these questions, you are in no state to be contacting your ex, and especially not to get back together. 

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Honestly, there’s no point in even trying. 

The only successful way to initiate a reconciliation with your ex is from a position of STRENGTH and a mindset of ABUNDANCE.

If you answered ‘Yes’ to the questions above, you’ll be trying to get them back from a position of DESPERATION and a mindset of SCARCITY. This is a huge turn-off for men and women.

Even if you did succeed in getting your ex back at this time, the relationship would almost always turn out to be extremely unbalanced and unhealthy. See this guide on enmeshment trauma for a detailed example of how it’s likely to turn out.

You’re better off using your breakup as an opportunity to grow as a person. Most likely, you broke up due to a weakness that your partner couldn’t put up with any longer. 

If you haven’t addressed that weakness during this period of radio silence, what makes you think the relationship will be any better the second time around? You should only try to get your ex back if a reunion is likely to best for BOTH OF YOU. 

As well as addressing the one thing that ended the relationship (if there was only one), I’d recommend levelling up at least one or two additional areas of your life before reinitiating contact.  

That could mean using this time as a single man or woman to work on your: 

  • self-confidence;
  • charisma and people skills; 
  • career and/or wealth;
  • hobbies and passions
  • social life outside of relationships;
  • body and/or health.

If you’re not a new and improved version of yourself, there is little reason for your ex to risk going back to a failed relationship. 

2. Should I Text Or Call My Ex?  

From now on, we’ll assume you’re ready to contact your ex from a position of strength and abundance.

So, what medium should you use to contact them? 

The answer depends on where she’s most likely to see your attempt to reach her, and respond to it.

Is it possible they have blocked you on social media? Is it likely they’ve changed their number or blocked yours? Are there some platforms where they’re so overwhelmed with messages that they might miss yours?

In nearly all cases, it’s better not to call out of the blue. Most men and women will be too overwhelmed to accept a surprise talk with their ex, especially if they’re out and about.     

3. What Time Is Best To Reach Out To Your Ex?

It’s sometimes recommended to reach out to your ex when they’re most likely to be sat at home not doing much.

The idea behind the advice is that they may react more favorably to your message during these moments, compared to when they’re preoccupied at work, or out partying with their friends.

This would suggest that weekday evenings are likely to be your best bet. 

In any case, don’t stress too much over this. In all likelihood, you have no idea what they’ll be doing when your message lands. Also, if they are truly missing you, they will respond eventually. 

4. How Do You Start A Conversation After No Contact?

This is a difficult question to answer, because there is an infinite amount of messages you could send. If your ex is deeply missing you, you could text them anything within reason and it could lead to reunion.

If they have completely moved on, even the most perfect message is unlikely to move them emotionally. 

Still, I will suggest two types of text likely to decrease the odds of getting a good response, and one type that’ll most likely lead to a positive conversation. 

  • Avoid: Spilling your heart in the first message. This signals desperation and weakness, which is the opposite of what you’re trying to convey. In many cases, it will overwhelm your ex.   
  • Avoid: Basic messages like ‘hi’ or ‘how are you?’. This is better than the first option, but it arguably puts the ball in their court too much. Putting the onus on them to lead the conversation will often confuse and overwhelm them. 

A better option to send a fun reminder of better times in your relationship. Ideally, it’s a photo or a video as this tends to pull at the heart-strings more. Tell them you just ‘stumbled upon’ the photo, or you saw something that reminded you of it.

While this might not be completely honest, it starts the conversation with a light-hearted low-pressure vibe that they’re more likely to be open to engaging in.  

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5. Prepare For An Icey Response  

If they get back to you with a warm reply, that’s great. However, you shouldn’t expect it.

It’ll be common for you to receive a cold or lukewarm response, after many weeks, months or days of no contact.

“Why are you contacting me?”

“What do you want?”

This doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to hear from you. It’s still worth leading the conversation forwards in this case. After all, they did reply and you have taken the time to determine that a reunion is in both your best interests (see point 1). 

Of course, it’s possible they come back with a hostile response.

For example:  

“Please STOP contacting me.” 

“I have a new boyfriend. This isn’t appropriate.”

“I hate this picture. Go bother someone else.” 

In this case, you’re best off not sending another text message. They’ve made it clear they don’t even want to be friends. Give them space. The ball is in their court now. 

Perhaps they’ll reply apologising when they’re in a better mood. But you shouldn’t count on it. In fact, if you receive a text like this, I’d suggest it’s time to start the process of moving on for good. 

6. Address The Elephant In The Room 

Now you’ve broke the no contact rule, there’s nothing wrong with making smalltalk and catching up over text. Still, you’re eventually going to need to address the elephant in the room; what made you want to get in contact.

But, before you do that, tell them how you’ve been addressing what caused the breakup in the first place. You can’t just act as if that mistake didn’t happen.

If they react positively to that, this is a great time to dial their number and talk to them.  

7. Take Baby Steps   

It’s easier to persuade people on a phone call, compared to a text message. But that doesn’t mean you should hard-sell them on getting back together.

It’s better to take baby steps. Ask if they’re happy to get together for a quick coffee or something like that. Keep it casual without getting too emotional, and don’t pressure them! 

Once you’re talking face-to-face, you can work on recreating that magic you shared before you broke up.

But there’s no use coming on too strong over the phone. Again, that’s most likely only going to pressure and intimidate your ex.

8. Should You Wait For Your Ex To Contact You?

Assuming you’ve improved yourself to the point where reuniting is a win-win (as explained in Point 1), there’s no reason to wait for them to make the first contact.

At this point, whether you’re a guy or a girl, your best bet is to make the first move to start the reconciliation process.    

9. Bear In Mind That Your Ex Might Change Their Mind 

Your ex might get caught up in the moment, then ‘come to their senses’ and change their mind.

Yes, you can keep talking if this happens, but don’t make the mistake of panicking or pushing too hard for a meet-up. Remember, you’re coming from a position of STRENGTH and ABUNDANCE.

Perhaps you keep texting for a week or so, then try to meet up again.

If your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend doesn’t want to meet to talk, it’s up to you whether to keep texting as friends, or to give them space and reintroduce a no-contact rule. 

Either way, try to not fall into a negative mindset. Instead, know that you can find something great with or without this person. That’s the spirit of the abundance mindset. 

 It’s also in your best interests to keep this mindset if they do agree to meet up. If you can do that, learn from your mistakes and show off this new stronger version of you, there’s every chance you two can make it work the second time around.   

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Any Questions?

Thanks for reading my guide on reaching out to your ex after ‘no contact period’. 

If you want to know anything else about this topic, you can ask me a question in the comments section below.

It would be great to hear from you!

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