21 Effective Tips: How To Be A Better Lover (2024)

Welcome to your ultimate guide on how to be a better lover.

In my role as a life coach, I am often helping clients solve relationship issues with their significant other – and a lot of them secretly stem from frustrations in the bedroom. 

That’s why I’m keen to share this guide on how to have better intimacy and become a great lover.

So, let’s dive in. 

What Are Good Qualities In A Lover?

1. A Fit And Healthy Body

For whatever reason, it’s somewhat taboo to say this, but here goes; a fit and healthy body makes you more attractive.

Your partner will desire you more. You’ll be able to go for longer without collapsing from exhaustion. It’ll probably make you more confident in the bedroom.  

Maintaining a fit and healthy body isn’t just good for you. It’s a way of respecting your partner too.

Related: Most Creative Ways To Initiate Love-Making

2. Presence 

Presence allows you to connect and enjoy intimacy on a deeper level. Intimacy is about enjoying the moment, but too many people get too lost in their thoughts and insecurities during the act of love-making. This can cause them to feel disconnected from their partner. 

If you can learn to be more present in the bedroom, you’ll strengthen your emotional connection and enjoy a more intimate experience. It will also create a greater awareness of your body, allowing women to climax more easily and men to hold off on their climax for longer. 

How To Be A Better Lover
Photo By lookstudio On freepik

3. Patience

One of the simplest ways to become a better lover is to take your time. When you take the time to focus on teasing and titillating every part of your partner’s body, their pleasure will skyrocket. The more patience you have, the more explosive their climax is likely to be. 

4. Selflessness

The best intimacy occurs when both partners focus on trying to please each other only.

With that said, selflessness is a particularly crucial love-making trait in men. If you’re the type of guy who is more or less guaranteed to come during sex, why not focus on your partner’s pleasure and make sure they get their kick first?

5. The Ability To Relax And ‘Let Go’

The best intimacy happens when you let go and surrender to the glorious moment. All the fears, insecurities and stresses in your life melt away. It’s just you and your partner enjoying each other’s bodies, sharing passion and most likely experiencing the most explosive orgasms.

The inability to relax and let go is strongly linked to most cases of erectile dysfunction or an inability to orgasm. Indeed, when one is too anxious about being ‘good in bed’ or performing well, they lose the ability to let go and that’s when problems can arise. So, if there’s something wrong with you in this department, your psychology is usually the best thing to explore first.

Another great related skill is the ability to help your partner relax and let go, when you sense they’re stressed or nervous. 

Related: 22 Insights – When A Guy Says He Wants You Sexually

6. Confidence

For the masculine lover, it’s about having the confidence to lead their partner so they feel comfortable enough to relax into their femininity.

For the feminine lover, it’s about the confidence to express their sexual nature, seduce their partner and enjoy themselves.

This confidence is far more attractive than any specific act or technique. 

How To Be A Better Lover In A Relationship?

7. Mixing It Up

One of the biggest fears plaguing long-term relationships surrounds sex becoming stale. The idea of your partner becoming bored of sex can be uncomfortable, but it will probably happen if you don’t put in the effort to mix things up.

If you want to be a better lover, take the time to investigate a new technique or two throughout your relationship. 

8. Discuss Your Fantasies

The best lovers get in the habit of encouraging each other to talk about your fantasies and being open-minded enough to explore them.

9. Practice Spontaneity  

It’s recommended to discuss how to mix things up with your partner. However, it’s also nice to surprise them with something spontaneous. Of course, get their consent before diving in at the wrong time.

10. Communication

Couples should grow to become comfortable enough to verbalize what they like, what they want, and what they don’t. Both halves of a couple should be actively listening to this feedback. Dirty talk or whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears can spice up your lovemaking sessions too.

11. Understand Each Other’s ‘Erotic Blueprints’ 

You’ll learn a lot about what your partner enjoys in the bedroom by exploring their erotic blueprint.

How Can I Be A Better Lover To A Woman?

12. Seduction Begins The Moment You Lay Eyes On Her

Women need to feel relaxed and aroused to be in the mood for intimacy. The way you treat her outside the bedroom will have a huge impact on your love life. She’ll crave intimacy more if you can be arousing throughout every romantic encounter. 

A lot of men don’t realize this! Many are ready to play with their partners no matter what mood they were previously in. 

Anyway, this guide on How To Seduce Women With Words has more guidance on this idea. 

13. Make Her Comfortable

A tidy bedroom. Mood lighting. Chilled R&B music. A romantic movie before bed. A massage on the bed. Essential oils. These all help a woman relax and add to her pleasure. So, focus on what you can do to make a woman more comfortable.

14. Focus On All Her Erogenous Zones

Take your time with foreplay and stimulate her in all parts of the body before getting to the main event. Baby steps are better than giant leaps. That’ll produce a huge payoff for her in the end.

15. Master The Clitoris

Great sex isn’t all about penetration for women. Far from it. In fact, a lot of women find it far easier to orgasm from clitoral stimulation. It’s in your best interests as a good lover to master clitoral stimulation, then.

There are plenty of free cunnilingus guides available to consume, but many women like different things in this department. Your best bet is to play together and listen to what she really likes.

16. Learn To Delay

For a lot of men, this is easier said than done. There are plenty of supposedly magical techniques to help men delay their climax. But the most reliable are also the simplest. Take your time. Be patient. Be present. Take deep breaths. Learn to understand your body. Slow down when you feel yourself reaching the point of no return.  

How To Be A Better Lover To My Wife?

You’re a good husband for asking this! It’s a great question to keep your marriage feeling fresh and exciting.

The tips in this guide will help you spice up your intimacy life, whether you’re locked in a marriage or not. The key to fulfilling intimacy among married couples or anyone in long-term relationships is to continue putting effort into pleasing each other.

Don’t become a lazy lover (or a lazy husband) just because your marriage vows say she can’t go to bed with anyone else. Continue to honor this one woman you committed to for life. Love her and impress her the way you did when your relationship first started. Continue hunting for the best version of a marriage you can provide. 

This will do so much to help you keep enjoying intimacy throughout your marriage.

How Can I Be A Better Lover To A Man? 

17. Submit

Let’s assume that he’s a masculine lover and you’re the divine feminine, as this will be the case for most relationships.

In such cases, your man most likely wants you to submit and be dominated. Take orders. Let go. Lock eye contact and beg for more. Ask how to make him feel good. Treat him like your master. 

Again, this feels somewhat taboo to write, but here goes; Most couples want this masculine/feminine dynamic inside and outside the bedroom.

18. Scream And Shout 

A lot of men get off on how much their partner is enjoying herself. So, don’t be shy! Scream and moan to your heart’s content. Verbalize how much pleasure you’re experiencing. Tell him it’s the best sex of your life. That’s a surefire way to make him feel like a king. 

19. Surprise Him

Seduce him with some sexy lingerie or a strip tease. Treat him to a spontaneous experience in the shower. Fulfill his deepest desire. Most men will be so proud to have a girlfriend or wife who does this.

How To Train Yourself To Be A Better Lover? 

20. Explore Tantra

Tantra is all about improving your connection on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. You can study and practice tantra alone or with a partner. Either way, the result will be longer and more fulfilling intimacy.

21. Books On How To Be A Better Lover 

You’ll learn a lot more about how to be a better lover by reading these books.

  • The Kama Sutra by Vatsyayana
  • Sex At Dawn by Cacilda Jetha and Christopher Ryan
  • She Comes First by Ian Kerner
  • My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday
  • Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Related: 65 Signs He Wants You Badly Sexually & How To React


Thanks for reading my guide. I hope these tips help you spice up your sex life, so you and your partner enjoy a more fulfilling relationship inside and outside the bedroom.

My closing advice is to help each other relax, take your time and have fun! As simple as it sounds, this is widely recognized as the most important point to make when giving advice.  

About The Author

Bijan Kholghi is a certified life coach with the Milton Erickson Institute Heidelberg (Germany). He helps clients and couples reach breakthroughs in their lives by changing subconscious patterns. His solution-oriented approach is based on Systemic- and Hypnotherapy.