With the awareness that your mother influences the woman you become comes a realization that she is to blame for some difficulties in your life.
But it’s your choice to either become one of the daughters who blame their mothers for everything or make peace with the past and move to a brighter future.
If you’re reading this piece, you better be ready for the latter because I’m going to show you how to do it.
Come with me!
How To Shift Your Mind As A Blaming Daughter
Here we go –
1. Accept What Happened In The Past
Instead of overlooking or ignoring what happened to your mother-daughter relationship, you need to acknowledge the reality of your past before dealing with it.
- Which of my needs were neglected by my mom?
- Which instances made me feel unloved?
- How was I emotionally hurt as a child?
- How did I change to cope with the negative feelings I was experiencing as a child?
- Why do I not like my mother?
- Why do I feel distant from my mom?
Exploring your pain or what you feel was Childhood Emotional Neglect helps you understand your need to deal with your pain. This in turn enables you to take in all the rest of the insights positively to get a developmental shift.
So let’s move on.
2. Understand That No Perfect Mother Exists
If you think your mother should have been attuned your needs always to respond appropriately to them, then you’re in over your head.
See, there’s no perfect parent in this whole world. Why? Because we live in an imperfect world where we get imperfect knowledge to live imperfect lives. That’s the reality.
Even that mother-daughter relationship you think is perfect isn’t made up of perfect people. Close relationships need patience for things to work, for love to thrive amid relationship difficulties.
So your mom, you, and I might never get everything right. And that’s okay.
I’m not trying to make excuses for your mom who might have been more terrible than the average narcissistic mom but am giving you a kind reminder that, honestly, there’s no such thing as a perfect mother.
So we’ll have to work with that reality in mind if you’re going to completely heal.
3. Consider That Your Mother Did Her Best With The Tools Provided
Most parents try to be the best parents they can be. But even then, they’re met with criticism since their idea of “the best parent” might not work with their kids.
But what if your mom mothered you the best way she knew how? What if she never knew that a child’s emotions are important? What if she never understood to ask why you hated that sexually abusive uncle?
What if she did her best with everything she had? Consider that.
In fact, the extended family, gender role stereotypes, along with other societal expectation makes mothers try so hard to be the best moms.
But if you think your parent barely tried, the next point would help you shift your mind from blame.
4. Learn How To Blame Forgivingly
Blaming is simply holding someone responsible for their harmful actions. So your blaming isn’t wrong. But blaming with bitterness is.
If you’re bitter about how your mom raised you, you won’t be able to move on and the result might be that:
- You repeat the same mistakes your mom did
- You try to behave differently from your mom but might create new destructive parenting tactics
- You avoid parenting altogether among other limiting resolutions
To avoid such problems, you need to learn to forgive your mom for the mistakes she’d done with you and start pointing out her failures in a whole new light.
It’s better to think, “My mom did X which contributed to my being Y but I forgive her and wish to work on raising children of my own in a healthier manner.”
5. Learn To Move On Without Closure
You might think confronting your mother about her mistakes will help you let go. But you have no guarantee. In fact, doing that might wound you even more.
While you can attempt to make your thoughts and feelings heard if you feel the need, it’s helpful to know that even without getting closure, you can actually move on.
Your mom might get defensive when you point out her mistakes – even if you do it most politely. And that’s okay.
You might feel angry but don’t let any of her actions keep you from moving on.
Learn the most Effective Ways To Move On Without Closure. The article focuses on romantic relationships but the tips are relevant for a mother-daughter relationship too.
6. Your Parenting Isn’t The Only Factor Affecting Your Life
You might say things like, “My mom is the reason why I’m messed up like this” but you’d be lying to yourself.
While your mom was a crucial first relationship that helped you learn who you are, it’s not the only relationship that influenced your actions. Your father, TV shows neighbors, friends, lovers, and everyone you met all had an impact on your life.
Moreover, other things like your genetics as well as your own choices all have a great impact on how you live your life.
In fact, the greatest determinant of your present and your future is your choices. You choose who you become. The older you are, the more responsible you are for who you’ve become.
Seeking therapy or coaching might help you own up to this much more to make the necessary choices to become who you want to be.
7. Take Responsibility For Your Actions
Your mom might have influenced you negatively but what did you do to change? Did you choose the right thing when you knew the right thing to do?
Stop saying everything is mom’s fault so that you can gain insight into your own mistakes. This too can help you shift your mind from blame to forgiveness of your own mother and yourself since that’s when you’ll realize –
“I’m a failing human too, capable of making mistakes that not only ruin me but also others.”
Remember, you can only give your children as much you learn. If you don’t learn to work hard, you’ll raise lazy kids. If you don’t learn to practice empathy, your children will feel emotionally neglected by you. You get the point.
So the much your mom taught you, be grateful and continue learning from there so you can raise your daughters much better.
8. Develop An Accurate Mindset About Your Situation
An accurate mindset is a type of thinking that’s always true despite the circumstances.
For instance, wishy-washy positive thinkers might say, “I’ll definitely get the job” but an accurate thinker will say, “I’m positive about getting the job but even if I don’t, I’m happy I gave it a shot.”
In your case, you need to stop focusing on the negative your mom put you through and start looking into the lessons you can learn from your upbringing. For example:
- My mom didn’t do a good job in tending to my emotional needs but now I know how important it is to look into my kids’ emotional needs
- I want to learn about empathy now that I’ve realized I lack it to a great extent
- While parents never get everything right, we can learn from their mistakes and do things better
9. Take Note Of The Negativity Bias Around Your Mom
The negativity bias is our mind’s tendency to focus and exaggerate our negative experiences. I mean think about it, what scenarios do you remember more vividly than the rest?
The negative mostly, right?
That’s why you need to catch yourself when you’re making a big deal about things you blame mom for.
You need to see the negativity bias for what it is instead of getting pulled down by it.
10. Learn To Appreciate Your Mother’s Love Language
Another thing that helps you dial down on mother blame and shift to a progressive mindset is gratitude.
You have to know one thing: parents show us love the way they think we’d feel loved. Some parents have learned to read their kid’s love language while others shower the kid with their own narrative of mother love. The latter are mostly wrong. And it could be your mother.
Perhaps she thought the way she could express her love for you was by stuffing you with food. Or maybe her way of doing it was buying you expensive gifts. Little did she know, none of that worked for you.
However, if you want to shift your mind from mother blame, you need to identify and simply appreciate the way she tried to make you feel loved.
11. Work On Creating A Healthier Mother-Daughter Attachment Model
You may have drifted apart from your mom over the years. Perhaps you became distant from your mother when you were a teen. Or maybe you even cut her off from your life.
Whatever the current situation, one way to move on as you heal is to gradually work towards a healthy mother-daughter relationship. Here are core tips to help you out:
- Acknowledge your mom’s caregiving role in your life
- Express gratitude to her any way you can – verbally and through action
- Forgive her for the mistakes she has done
- Ask her opinion on some issues in your life — you don’t have to take all her advice
- Plan to spend quality time with your mom
- Get interested in activities important to her
How To Cope As A Mother Who’s Blamed
If you’re a mother and your adult daughter blames you for raising her poorly, it must be frustrating.
You could have done some things better but the truth also remains that you’re human and you can definitely fail on some issues like everyone else.
Here are tips to help you deal with your daughter more gracefully:
Even if your daughter confronts you rudely, it’s best to remain composed.
While her accusations may be valid, you need to show her that the best way is always to move forward constructively through peaceful conversations.
Make Your Daughter Feel Heard
Your daughter longs to be heard by her mother. Therefore, you need to empathize with her feelings before anything else.
Again, she might be right about your role as a mother. And sometimes she might be wrong. Either way, you need to acknowledge her feelings before apologizing or even pointing out her errors.
You can be empathetic with statements like:
- “I am beginning to understand what you really went through”
- “I’m really sorry for what you experienced, I didn’t know”
- “Oh how awful, It’s true I put you in a tough position”
Clarify her sentiments that you don’t understand by asking things like, “I want to understand, you mean I was forcing my goals on you that I ended up not hearing your own?”
Related: Bad Parenting Could Cause Addiction
Avoid Getting Defensive At All Costs
Don’t defend yourself or dismiss your daughter’s concerns when she is striving to be heard by her own mother. If you can’t come up with helpful responses, follow the next point.
Ask For Time To Think Things Through
You can say to your daughter, “This is all too much for me to understand right now, can you please give me some time to think things through?”
This way, you can get enough space to calm down and muster enough courage for the next step.
Model Taking Responsibility
You need to be a role model to your adult child by taking responsibility for the mistakes you did as a mom. Of course, you’re not to blame for every wrong way she turned out. But you’re probably responsible for some things.
So figure out ways you might have done wrong by your child and apologize for it.
However, you need to also respectfully refuse to take the blame for things you feel you aren’t responsible for.
Ask Her How You Can Be A Better Mom Going Forward
“How do you want me to make amends?” “How can I be a better mom henceforth?” “How can I show love/attune to your emotional needs/(fit in the need your daughter blames you for not fulfilling) now?
If your adult child is ready to let go of the anger and bitterness of a flawed upbringing, she’ll tell you what you can do to heal the mother-daughter relationship.
Be Open To Learn From Her
While there are many things you’re wiser at than your daughter, you have some things to learn from her as well. So be open-minded and deeply think about how your daughter feels and learn to be a good mother to her.
Related: Things Narcissistic Mothers Say
Let Go Of Shame And Guilt And Focus On The Future
Easier said than done, right? But it’s possible.
While it’s okay to feel guilty, instead of ruminating on your failures as a mother, accept that you dealt with situations in the past the best way you knew how. That’s a reality that’ll never change.
Forgive yourself and live your reality without shame.
Why Do Daughters Blame Their Mothers For Everything?
Daughters blame their mothers because as they learn about psychological development, they realize that a big part of their life problems arose from their upbringing. However, some adult children blame their mothers because they don’t want to take responsibility for the outcomes of their bad decisions.
Either way, daughters need to know that mothers are imperfect humans capable of making mistakes, and their low self-confidence, relationship break ups, laziness, mental illness, loneliness, and other problems they have don’t solely stem from how their mothers raised them.
Why Are Daughters Mean To Their Mothers?
There’s no one reason a daughter can be mean to their mother. But here are the common reasons adult daughters fight their mothers:
- The mother is controlling and dominating instead of leaving the daughter to develop her identity
- The daughter lacks healthy coping strategies for coping with her negative emotions so she dumps her frustration on her mother
- The mother is emotionally unavailable
- The daughter may be dealing with suppressed trauma
How Do You Deal With A Disrespectful Grown Daughter? When A Daughter Hurts Her Mother
Here are ways mothers can respond effectively to disrespectful daughters:
- Get to understand your daughter’s perspective
- Analyze how your parenting style affects her
- Stay accountable for your mistakes
- Learn the way she wants to be “mothered”
- Set healthy boundaries and enforce them
- Respect your daughter if you want to earn her respect as well
- Work side by side with your husband if not a single mother
- Support her as she discovers her identity
- Work on improving yourself so you can help her do the same
- Negotiate ways you can improve communication
- Be grateful for everything she does well
- Don’t force closeness – just let it come naturally
- Make peace with the past and work on the present reality
- Consider parent coaching
What Do You Do When Your Child Blames You For Everything?
You can check out more on how to cope as a mother who is being blamed for everything above. Here’s a recap:
- Keep Calm
- Make Your Daughter Feel Heard
- Avoid Getting Defensive At All Costs
- Ask For Time To Think Things Through
- Model Taking Responsibility
- Ask Her How You Can Be A Better Mom Going Forward
- Be Open To Learn From Her
- Let Go Of Shame And Guilt And Focus On The Future
What Does It Say About The Daughter When She’s Blaming? Adults Who Blame Their Parents For Everything
When an adult blames their parent, it shows that they’re still hurting and are figuring out their lives as an adult. Most adult children have a basis for their blame but it’s sometimes all about shifting self-blame on somebody else because it’s easier.
To the daughters who blame their mothers for everything, it’s time to shift your mind from blame games to determine how to move on from the past to a brighter future by choosing wisely.
To the mothers who have to shoulder the blame, it’s also paramount that you reflect on how you might have contributed to some challenges in your child’s life, forgive yourself and work on becoming the best mother to your child with the time you have.
And whether you’re a daughter or mother, don’t forget to be grateful.
We hope you’ve found out what you need to create a better mother-daughter relationship. So before you go, consider sharing this article with other daughters and mothers to improve relationships around you!